One year later....

 
Obviously its been a while since I have blogged. I just haven't felt like it honestly. I thought sharing my pain and growth in the moment would be therapeutic but in actuality when I was in the moment typing about it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I have come out on the other side and I think I am ready to talk about it and get back to this here blog. (that my sisters  have deserted as well, shame on them ;))
 
A year ago this week I was walking into a courthouse to finalize the ending of something I once held very dear. It was a day I will remember probably for the rest of my life. I felt like a failure. I was broken. and when I got there and saw that my suspicions where correct (he didn't bother to show up to our court date) I was brought even lower. I guess I expected to see some fight, you know to show me that maybe there was a slim chance in maybe-land that this isn't how it had to be. I think at the end of the day I wanted to be fought for with more than lip service. Because hearing you are the most important thing in the world when you are walking away really means nothing if it isn't backed up with something else.. But there I was all alone in court and I just wanted to get it over with so I could start my healing process.
 
This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Most of the rollercoaster was downward spirals and loopdy loops and hanging upside. I spend a lot of time at the bottom. There were days when I was pretty sure I was going to die there and that it was all my fault that I was there. I felt worthless. I hated myself and my life. I barely looked in the mirror because I didn't recognize myself. I stopped believe that good things could happen to me, for me, around me. (I am fully aware that this is dark, but this is where I was so I can only be honest) This last for about seven months. Now during this time there were some brief high moments. My family and God were definitely the cause of those. They didn't let me die, they nurtured me and cared for me and made sure that this depression and grief didn't consume me. And for that I will forever be grateful. Because I am pretty sure without them it would have. I knew that I was able to grieve and cry, get mad and sulk as long as I looked up and I didn't let it consume me.

I remember when it finally broke (I even wrote it down so that I could remember it forever and praise Him for it continually) and I was able to stand up straight without the weight of depression bearing me down. It was a Sunday night service on February the 24th (I told you it was dark for a long time). My pastor preached a sermon entitled "What happens when we praise" and I felt like he was talking straight to me. and I took his words and enacted it into my life. I praised! My life sucked but I praised. I wasn't sure I believed I deserved better but I praised. I had a broken heart that wasn't healing quick enough but I praised. I praised because through all the pain in my life I still believed that God is God and he can do all things. So even if I didn't see it I would praise Him for it and let Him know I WANTED it.

Then a week or so later on March 3rd we had a guest preacher who preached "Its our time" and while praying I heard "Its time to get out of the furnace". I was struck by the magnitude of this and knew it was time to start a new chapter and that God was with me in my furnace and He was going to walk me out and everything was going to be okay. I claimed those promises I heard that night for my life and since then I have been depression free and I have been able to look forward to the future with hope and expectancy. I believe that God has a plan for my life and that He can and will still use me to fulfill it.

This past year has definitely been the roughest time in my life and I would never wish it upon anyone. But I survived! I didn't die no matter how much life tried to get the best of me. I am not sure yet if I will ever get married again but I am open to the possibility if God opens that door ( 7 months ago this was a HARD NO). I recently went back to school to finish my degree and am the process of moving up at work. I feel like things are all coming together finally (Romans 8:28). I sent my dad a text yesterday and he replied " I am proud of you!! Its a new season" and I whole heartedly believe that.

I know this is a lengthy one ( that's what happens when I don't talk for six months or so!) but its been a long year so it only seems right for this post to be long. I don't have it all together but Im more together than I was yesterday and I'm okay with that. What's your year been like? Have you grown from where you were last summer? or are you further away from goals you set for yourself? Who says we have to wait until January to set and start new goals. Take some time to take stock. Life is short, days are shorter so get to it!