My daughter has been in the "When I grow I want to be" stage lately and without a doubt she always finishes telling me her grandiose dreams and then continues to ask "Mom what do you want to be when you grow up?". And I usually laugh and say I don't know I am still working on that. Because I am, I am a full time student on top of all the other hats I wear because I am not where I want to be in life yet. But I think somewhere along the way I have lost sight of what is most important.
The most important thing I do with my life will not be walking the stage to receive my bachelors degree, it wont be finally being able to buy a house, It wont be finding my "dream job",or finding that special somebody who sees me and loves me and cherishes me. The most important thing I can do with my life is live whole heartedly for my God and raise my children with ever ounce of love that I have inside of me (I am doing that). Now please don't misunderstand me, I want all of those things I have listed and plan on pursuing them (well except Mr Right, that's something I am leaving up to Him) and will feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I finally achieve them. But if I have all of those things and have pushed my relationship with God and my kid to the side what have I really gained.
I find myself questioning what I am doing with my life and why I am not somewhere else because surely at this point in my life I should be further along in this area or that area. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me and wondering why I am not good enough. I find myself questioning Gods judgment when he gave me two kids because I surely cannot be the right person for the job. And yes I know that everyone has their moments and struggles' the intellectual side of Alex understands that and gets it. I realize that we all live this thing called life and go through ups and downs and that I cannot look at what I see and think I know everything. I get that but the emotional side of Alex has these moments. I am human so please bear with me through the transparency for a moment.
There are things that other people have that I do not but if I really stop and think about it there are things that I have that other people do not. So I guess I have realized it is all about perspective. I can always feel inadequate and try to fill those voids with other "things". Or I can realize that I am right where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing.
Enough is enough. I have been through things that might have destroyed somebody else, but I am still standing. I could be bound by bitterness and hatred even after two years but I have forgiven and moved on. I am a single mom, but I have kids. I can allow myself to be overwhelmed by the day to day things that come with raising two kids or I can go easy on myself and them and remember that somewhere there is somebody who wishes they could have a kid. Perspective.
So the next time my baby girl ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I think I am going to say your mom and I'm loving every minute of it.
I am stressed, messy, semi-unorganized, addicted to Dr Pepper, way too busy, tired, BLESSED. I will continue to love and follow Jesus and try to teach my children to do the same.
XOXO
The most important thing I do with my life will not be walking the stage to receive my bachelors degree, it wont be finally being able to buy a house, It wont be finding my "dream job",or finding that special somebody who sees me and loves me and cherishes me. The most important thing I can do with my life is live whole heartedly for my God and raise my children with ever ounce of love that I have inside of me (I am doing that). Now please don't misunderstand me, I want all of those things I have listed and plan on pursuing them (well except Mr Right, that's something I am leaving up to Him) and will feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I finally achieve them. But if I have all of those things and have pushed my relationship with God and my kid to the side what have I really gained.
I find myself questioning what I am doing with my life and why I am not somewhere else because surely at this point in my life I should be further along in this area or that area. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me and wondering why I am not good enough. I find myself questioning Gods judgment when he gave me two kids because I surely cannot be the right person for the job. And yes I know that everyone has their moments and struggles' the intellectual side of Alex understands that and gets it. I realize that we all live this thing called life and go through ups and downs and that I cannot look at what I see and think I know everything. I get that but the emotional side of Alex has these moments. I am human so please bear with me through the transparency for a moment.
There are things that other people have that I do not but if I really stop and think about it there are things that I have that other people do not. So I guess I have realized it is all about perspective. I can always feel inadequate and try to fill those voids with other "things". Or I can realize that I am right where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing.
Enough is enough. I have been through things that might have destroyed somebody else, but I am still standing. I could be bound by bitterness and hatred even after two years but I have forgiven and moved on. I am a single mom, but I have kids. I can allow myself to be overwhelmed by the day to day things that come with raising two kids or I can go easy on myself and them and remember that somewhere there is somebody who wishes they could have a kid. Perspective.
So the next time my baby girl ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I think I am going to say your mom and I'm loving every minute of it.
I am stressed, messy, semi-unorganized, addicted to Dr Pepper, way too busy, tired, BLESSED. I will continue to love and follow Jesus and try to teach my children to do the same.
XOXO
