What's most important?

My daughter has been in the "When I grow I want to be" stage lately and without a doubt she always finishes telling me her grandiose dreams and then continues to ask "Mom what do you want to be when you grow up?". And I usually laugh and say I don't know I am still working on that. Because I am, I am a full time student on top of all the other hats I wear because I am not where I want to be in life yet. But I think somewhere along the way I have lost sight of what is most important.

The most important thing I do with my life will not be walking the stage to receive my bachelors degree, it wont be finally being able to buy a house, It wont be finding my "dream job",or finding that special somebody who sees me and loves me and cherishes me. The most important thing I can do with my life is live whole heartedly for my God and raise my children with ever ounce of love that I have inside of me (I am doing that). Now please don't misunderstand me, I want all of those things I have listed and plan on pursuing them (well except Mr Right, that's something I am leaving up to Him) and will feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I finally achieve them. But if I have all of those things and have pushed my relationship with God and my kid to the side what have I really gained.

I find myself questioning what I am doing with my life and why I am not somewhere else because surely at this point in my life I should be further along in this area or that area. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me and wondering why I am not good enough. I find myself questioning Gods judgment when he gave me two kids because I surely cannot be the right person for the job. And yes I know that everyone has their moments and struggles' the intellectual side of Alex understands that and gets it. I realize that we all live this thing called life and go through ups and downs and that I cannot look at what I see and think I know everything. I get that but the emotional side of Alex has these moments. I am human so please bear with me through the transparency for a moment.

There are things that other people have that I do not but if I really stop and think about it there are things that I have that other people do not. So I guess I have realized it is all about perspective. I can always feel inadequate and try to fill those voids with other "things". Or I can realize that I am right where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing.

Enough is enough. I have been through things that might have destroyed somebody else, but I am still standing. I could be bound by bitterness and hatred even after two years but I have forgiven and moved on. I am a single mom, but I have kids. I can allow myself to be overwhelmed by the day to day things that come with raising two kids or I can go easy on myself and them and remember that somewhere there is somebody who wishes they could have a kid. Perspective.

So the next time my baby girl ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I think I am going to say your mom and I'm loving every minute of it.

I am stressed, messy, semi-unorganized, addicted to Dr Pepper, way too busy, tired, BLESSED. I will continue to love and follow Jesus and try to teach my children to do the same.

XOXO
 

Strength: My Misconceptions

I have recently realized that I had some misconceptions concerning strength.

According to my friend Webster (and yes we are best of friends thanks to my dad but that's another blog post for another time) two of the definitions for this word are:

2:  power to resist force 

3:  power of resisting attack

 

And these two definitions although they may be very true (not trying to call Web a liar or anything) they are where my problems began.

 

Most of my life I thought being strong was the answer (to everything).

 

I thought that if I was strong, bad things wouldn't come my way or at the very least they would be less severe than for weaker (honesty is good for the soul bad for the reputation) people.

 

I thought having strength meant just as these two definitions suggestion that I would be able to resist force and attacks. If I was strong enough I would miss out on the heart ache of life.

 

And when that did not happen I began to doubt the strength I once though I had. I mentally began to take my strength away. The strength didn't actually leave I just began to view myself with less so I acted as if I had less. I no longer thought I had the power to overcome. I felt as if I deserved the lesser portions of life that I was being served by others. I began to look at my strength not as something that would keep my from things but as something that might get me through them if I was lucky.

 

And then one day I realized something (some thing I should have known but didn't really focus too much on), that I was never strong enough and would never be strong enough on my own. That all the strength I though I had was from God and when I forgot that I began to lose sight of the One who was really keeping me from some things and helping me through the others. He was is my strength. He never said that life would be sunshine and roses only. But He did promise that we can do all things through Him. Having this strength does not mean the hurts of life wont come but it does mean that when they do come you don't have to go through them alone.

 

I am a strong woman because I am submitted to a strong God. By myself I can do nothing but with Him I can do more than I ever thought possible.

 

And just a little bit of extra: Just because you are strong doesn't mean you cant break down and cry every once in a while. This is also something I have had to learn over the past couple of years. People would say "O my you're so strong. I don't think I could ever do what you're doing" and I would think "hmm I didn't feel very strong last night when  I cried myself to sleep". Or even two years later when I still find myself crying because I randomly think about how far off my 16 yr old self's "dream path" I am or how lonely I am some days I don't feel very strong in those moments. But I now know that is the beauty of this Strength that I have and try to exhibit. In my weakness He is made Strong. So when I don't have it all together, when I cant get my kids to pick up after themselves, when I feel like it is me against the world or wonder why me, I am in the perfect place for Him to show Himself and what He can do.  So go a head and cry, it's okay. Grab some tissues and get your ugly cry face on. You will feel better afterwards and it will all be ok...eventually. (Maybe it wont be how you wanted it to be or how you thought it would be but it will be ok).

 

This scripture has become one of my favorites in recent years (I am still working on the laughing part):