What's most important?

My daughter has been in the "When I grow I want to be" stage lately and without a doubt she always finishes telling me her grandiose dreams and then continues to ask "Mom what do you want to be when you grow up?". And I usually laugh and say I don't know I am still working on that. Because I am, I am a full time student on top of all the other hats I wear because I am not where I want to be in life yet. But I think somewhere along the way I have lost sight of what is most important.

The most important thing I do with my life will not be walking the stage to receive my bachelors degree, it wont be finally being able to buy a house, It wont be finding my "dream job",or finding that special somebody who sees me and loves me and cherishes me. The most important thing I can do with my life is live whole heartedly for my God and raise my children with ever ounce of love that I have inside of me (I am doing that). Now please don't misunderstand me, I want all of those things I have listed and plan on pursuing them (well except Mr Right, that's something I am leaving up to Him) and will feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I finally achieve them. But if I have all of those things and have pushed my relationship with God and my kid to the side what have I really gained.

I find myself questioning what I am doing with my life and why I am not somewhere else because surely at this point in my life I should be further along in this area or that area. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me and wondering why I am not good enough. I find myself questioning Gods judgment when he gave me two kids because I surely cannot be the right person for the job. And yes I know that everyone has their moments and struggles' the intellectual side of Alex understands that and gets it. I realize that we all live this thing called life and go through ups and downs and that I cannot look at what I see and think I know everything. I get that but the emotional side of Alex has these moments. I am human so please bear with me through the transparency for a moment.

There are things that other people have that I do not but if I really stop and think about it there are things that I have that other people do not. So I guess I have realized it is all about perspective. I can always feel inadequate and try to fill those voids with other "things". Or I can realize that I am right where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing.

Enough is enough. I have been through things that might have destroyed somebody else, but I am still standing. I could be bound by bitterness and hatred even after two years but I have forgiven and moved on. I am a single mom, but I have kids. I can allow myself to be overwhelmed by the day to day things that come with raising two kids or I can go easy on myself and them and remember that somewhere there is somebody who wishes they could have a kid. Perspective.

So the next time my baby girl ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I think I am going to say your mom and I'm loving every minute of it.

I am stressed, messy, semi-unorganized, addicted to Dr Pepper, way too busy, tired, BLESSED. I will continue to love and follow Jesus and try to teach my children to do the same.

XOXO
 

Strength: My Misconceptions

I have recently realized that I had some misconceptions concerning strength.

According to my friend Webster (and yes we are best of friends thanks to my dad but that's another blog post for another time) two of the definitions for this word are:

2:  power to resist force 

3:  power of resisting attack

 

And these two definitions although they may be very true (not trying to call Web a liar or anything) they are where my problems began.

 

Most of my life I thought being strong was the answer (to everything).

 

I thought that if I was strong, bad things wouldn't come my way or at the very least they would be less severe than for weaker (honesty is good for the soul bad for the reputation) people.

 

I thought having strength meant just as these two definitions suggestion that I would be able to resist force and attacks. If I was strong enough I would miss out on the heart ache of life.

 

And when that did not happen I began to doubt the strength I once though I had. I mentally began to take my strength away. The strength didn't actually leave I just began to view myself with less so I acted as if I had less. I no longer thought I had the power to overcome. I felt as if I deserved the lesser portions of life that I was being served by others. I began to look at my strength not as something that would keep my from things but as something that might get me through them if I was lucky.

 

And then one day I realized something (some thing I should have known but didn't really focus too much on), that I was never strong enough and would never be strong enough on my own. That all the strength I though I had was from God and when I forgot that I began to lose sight of the One who was really keeping me from some things and helping me through the others. He was is my strength. He never said that life would be sunshine and roses only. But He did promise that we can do all things through Him. Having this strength does not mean the hurts of life wont come but it does mean that when they do come you don't have to go through them alone.

 

I am a strong woman because I am submitted to a strong God. By myself I can do nothing but with Him I can do more than I ever thought possible.

 

And just a little bit of extra: Just because you are strong doesn't mean you cant break down and cry every once in a while. This is also something I have had to learn over the past couple of years. People would say "O my you're so strong. I don't think I could ever do what you're doing" and I would think "hmm I didn't feel very strong last night when  I cried myself to sleep". Or even two years later when I still find myself crying because I randomly think about how far off my 16 yr old self's "dream path" I am or how lonely I am some days I don't feel very strong in those moments. But I now know that is the beauty of this Strength that I have and try to exhibit. In my weakness He is made Strong. So when I don't have it all together, when I cant get my kids to pick up after themselves, when I feel like it is me against the world or wonder why me, I am in the perfect place for Him to show Himself and what He can do.  So go a head and cry, it's okay. Grab some tissues and get your ugly cry face on. You will feel better afterwards and it will all be ok...eventually. (Maybe it wont be how you wanted it to be or how you thought it would be but it will be ok).

 

This scripture has become one of my favorites in recent years (I am still working on the laughing part):

 

 

 

 

Kids are funny

As we get closer to our departure date I thought I would write down some of the things my kids are concerned about for our trip. My son is nine and a half and my daughter is five and a half (when you're a kid that half matter A LOT! Not so much when you're an adult lol) 

My daughter let me know the other day that was not allowed to put her in boots when we fly. Because the last time I did she wasn't allowed to get "through". (I am pretty sure she made up this memory)

She also wants to make sure grandma and grandpa have plenty of sunscreen. Because if not we have to buy it and take it with us. (I'm pretty sure there is a good supply of sunscreen in Abu Dhabi but I'm so glad she's thinking about her skin health)

My son thinks the weather will be like 200 degrees and that he will melt there. 

I'm sure we will have more concerns and funny moments as the time gets closer and when we start the journey. 

T minus 25 days

This summer the kids and I will be traveling from San Antonio Texas to Abu Dhabi to visit my parents. We are so excited. Well I was until I realized that in 25 days I will be traveling alone with two kids under the age of ten on an 18 hr trip across the world. Last night my anxiety began to kick in. So I spent most of my night on Pinterest looking for traveling tips. (Yes I'm one of those people). While on there I came across this photo that pretty much sums up how I am feeling. 

Please don't let is be THAT family in the plane!!

Stay tuned for more pre trip prep as well as how it all goes next month. 

My Private Island

Do you have kids? I have two, a boy and a girl. My son is nine and a half (I am not really ready to accept that fact and am pretty sure I am too young to have a son that age. But I digress) and  my daughter is five and a half. They are good kids and I love them with every ounce of my being. Now that you know where I am coming from let's dive in.

Maybe you have the best behaving, awesomely mannered, cutest kids and you spend all of your time doing cool crafts and activities with them and baking them delicious treats (all from pinterest) in your perfectly spotless home and if that is you then you will probably not relate to this post at all, not even a little bit. And if that's where you are please comment and let me know how you got there because for me that's a far place from where I reside.

Some days (more often than not lately) I feel like I am living on Parental Failings Island. And not only taking up permanent residence on this desolate island but holding the office of President serving back to back terms unopposed. Now the intellectual and spiritual side of my brain knows this is not true but the irrationally emotional human side believes this to be the truest truth. And once that emotionally cry baby believes something its hard to shake it.

My daughter has been acting up in school and it has been slowly getting worse and worse. I have tried everything my little mom brain can think of but none of it is working. So I have been in an emotional place lately. O sure I can put on my face (a smile and sunglasses fool a lot of people) when I am out and about but when I am home and nobody is around there have been more sob sessions than I care to admit here on this lovely internet blog that nobody will read. So anyways I bring all this up because I wanted to share the advice my dad gave me. It is really brilliant (Yes I may be a little biased about the advice giver but nonetheless) and I thought it should be written down somewhere other than the sticky note I put it on.

"There are two kids: who she wants to be and who she is supposed to be. Discipline makes them align. Breaking the one without wrecking the other was always my goal"

What did I tell ya? Brilliant, right?! My dad is one smart guy and I am incredibly grateful to have been blessed with him. Obviously this quote didn't instantly make everything better actually I still have a good cry again today but it did give me some focus again. And if you happen to be reading this and you feel like one of my constituents on Parental Failings Island don't be too hard on yourself. Chances are you're doing great and your kids will turn out just fine. Breathe. Sit down. Relax. and repeat. (I think I will take my own advice). I am not the perfect mom with perfect kids but everyday I hope we are getting a little better and a little closer to Jesus. And that will make all the difference I think. I hope I can help my children see their potential in God and find ways for them to reach it. Some days will be hard, heck if the past two months are any indication, a lot of days will be hard but I am praying the end will be worth it.

I am sure this will not be my last time visiting my second home on this island but hopefully the stays will get further and further apart and last shorter and shorter amounts of time. And some advice from another pretty wise source lets me know...

This too shall pass.

Slacker Liv

ALEX, you have been so good at posting and I didn't even notice! From now on I will be posting at least once a week. Thank you for the motivation ;) and yes this 3 sentence post counts for this week...jk...maybe

Pep Talk Needed!

Ok I need some advice from those out there who just love to work out and do it on a regular basis, how the heck do you do it?!?!

I lose my mojo after a couple weeks. :(

So post any tips, motivation and success stories to help me and my sisters (because were all trying to get fit and healthy) keep going!!

Since I ended my 30 day paleo challenge and I survived I decided to try another challenge. You've probably seen the calendars with workouts for everyday some where online. Probably on pinterest, that's where I found mine. Side-note: I could (and have) spend HOURS on this site.

Here are the two I decided to do first (I have already found my next ones to try, if I don't get worn out before that):

A squat challenge (today was 150 of those bad boys!)

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/f4/49/cf/f449cf311637eb7f25b18e3126fbc342.jpg

and a crunch challenge (40 today)

http://shrinkingjeans.net/2013/05/30-day-ab-challenge/

I have already seen a little definition try to peek through on my thighs so that's exciting!!

Alright so post any advice you have, links to new challenges or workouts for me to try, whatever your heart desires really!!
 

Victory is mine!!!

I made it 30 days on the paleo challenge!!! I am so proud of myself because I stuck with it and finished! It was by no means the easiest thing I've ever done because I am a dr pepper lover and fast food connoisseur as well as being a single mother of two fast paced children, working full time and going to school full time to complete my bachelors, so time is not on my side to say the least. I was always "too busy" to cook on a regular basis so convenience usually won out in our home for dinner time. And while all these things weretrue or   relatively true a month ago I still did it and realized a lot of my excuses don't really hold water. 

I think I will be adapting some of what I learned this month into our normal routines. I won't be as strict as the challenge because let's face it sometimes a girl just needs a juicy cheeseburger and fries or a bowl of ice cream!!! But it definitely won't be as often as it used to be.  I have proven to myself that I can live without carbs which I also thought would happen when pigs sprouted wings and took flight. So I will definitely be limiting those as well and only allowing myself to splurge there sometimes. 

All in all it was a great experience and I would do it again and probably will. Especially since mr scale(yes my scale is a man bc they never say the right thing;)) says im down 8 pounds. Not too shabby for somebody who has a hard time dropping pounds!! I have encouraged people to try it. Even got my sister on board. I think today is her day 12. Should I run my post challenge food in her face??!! I think that's the only right thing to do as her big sister. ;)

A few things that stood out to me this past month were:

I eat a lot. (I dare say I had a relationship with food that might've teetered on an addiction. Yikes!! I found myself wanting to eat when I first started just because I was bored or I was used to eating so much)

It wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be (although I didn't go the organic route and all that. Because really ain't no body got money for that. See the before mentioned sentence about single momdom!)

I had to do way more dishes than normal (or my son did but same difference)

I saved a lot of money ( I haven't sat down and added it all up, and I probably won't because it would prob depress me haha. But I'm pretty sure it was at least over a hundred dollars I saved this month not eating out on a regular basis)

I do have more time than I think (thank you Jesus for this realization)

Well that's my 30 days in review!!! If you're up for it I suggest trying the challenge. You won't be sorry you did!! 

Day 21

I have made it three weeks into this challenge and I feel great!! 

I have survived two weekend trips, working at the office and at home, a few trips to the movie theater... I can conquer it all! 

I have nine more days to go to finish this challenge out. So I thought I'd reflect a little today. 

It hasn't been easy but it definitely wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I have made sure I always have a snack in my purse so I don't succumb to temptation while out and about. 

Day 11 all I wanted was some ice cream (to say we are a big ice cream family would be a vast understatement) so fighting that craving was intense. 

This week I have had my female visitor (tmi you say? O well I say!) so all I have been wanting is a pan if brownies (yes I said pan), choc chip cookies and a great big ok dr pepper. So that has not been fun at all but I'm staying strong. 

I have already seen some results and I'm not sure if anybody else can see them at this stage but I can and that's really all that matters to me!! I'm am picking up my exercise these last 9 days just to end it with a bang. 

I would encourage you to research the 30 day paleo challenge and give it a go. It's an adjustment and takes some planning but its only 30 days. You can do it!! 

Ps I got Natasha to try it, she started yesterday . Good luck tashy bear!! 

Memories are precious

This weekend the kids and I joined some friends at their regular get away spot, rockport tx. We were vey excited. Our first day was jam packed with fishing out on their boat, an ambulance (more on that later), two beaches, a ferry ride, pool swimming and food of course. By the end of it i was worn out but mu babies had a great time so i am one happy momma. Here are a few shots from our first day. 

Heading out to the bay

The kids getting their first fish!!!

Our ferry ride :)

Today I think I'll stay in bed all morning and recover! Make some memories this weekend!

Flies In Your Nard

I grew up with my mom constantly telling me "Life is not fair, Alex Nichole". For the longest time I just thought she said that to shut me up and so she didn't have to give me what I was asking for. And while that may have been the case a few times (I am on to you mom) I think most of them were her actually trying to prepare me for real life (which I didn't realize until I was living that thing called real life). Thanks to those quips from my mom I was able to decide early on that while life was not fair I still had choices I could make. I could live life as a victim or a victor and it was solely my choice. So I chose the only logical choice to me which was the victor.

Some people are under that false understanding that when you start living for God
everything becomes fair and good. This is not the case because you are still living in a corrupt world. So life is still going to be hard and un fair. BUT you know how a hope that rises above all of that. When we worship God we are sending up a perfume ,or nard, to heaven. One that only we can send up because only we can worship Him for what He has done in our lives. Sure other people may know our situations and have prayed for us but they weren't in the middle of it, they didn't sleep in the valley and have to climb up the mountainside to reach the top like you did.

When we let bad situations or dumb decisions effect our worship of the One, True God we have allowed flies into our nard.

 

Dead flies make the perfumer's ointment give off a stench (Ecc 10:1a)

 

And when flies are allowed to stay in our perfume it creates a stench. We must be mindful of this and make a conscious effort to pluck the flies out of our perfume. How? By worshipping God DESPITE everything else.

You will fall, probably multiple times, but get back up!
You will make mistakes, and maybe even cause others to make mistakes, try to correct them and move forward.
You will get tired, you are living life after all, get refreshed by HIM.
You will make people mad, and you'll make yourself mad, its not the end of the world.
You may even find yourself rolling around in the mud a time or two, pick yourself up, clean off and look for higher ground.
You will get your feeling hurt, forgive and let go.
Bad days will come, but they wont last forever.

When we experience all of that and then some and still praise God because of HIS greatness we have discovered what worship is all about. It really has nothing to do with us and our stains and scars but everything to do with Him and His love and scars. Choose today to be a victor. Pluck those flies out of your nard so it can be sweet smelling to your Lord again.

Life is hard. For everyone, no matter what it looks like to the outsider. We all have situations we must overcome if we are going to live the best life we can. Live your best life today and send up sweet smelling nard!

30 day challenge

Well friends, I have decided to jump on the paleo bandwagon. Hey it could be a worse bandwagon that's for sure. I have been looking for a way to get healthy but have been putting it off because lets be honest I love my food. But I finally think its time to try something different so I have started the 30 day paleo challenge. I figured I better give it a whirl before I changed my mind.

So I started googling and trying to figure out exactly what was expected during the 30 days. I found a lot of information and found these two blogs most helpful, The Whole 9 and YIS. They both explained things very clearly and helped me wrapped my brain around this thing I was about to jump into for a month. 

I started on Thursday and am finishing up my second day. So far it hasn't been too bad but I think this is because a week and a half ago I cut out my dear Dr Pepper in preparation. That was the hardest transition because I had a slight Dr Pepper addiction (to say the least). I'll keep you updated on my progress, lets hope these 30 days will be worth it. :)

My birthday color bash

Last month for my birthday I signed up to run the color me rad 5k with my sisters and some friends. It was so much fun!! It ended up raining which added another layer of fun to it all. I'm pretty sure it was a great way to celebrate getting a year older. Because who doesn't like to dance in the rain a little. I'm not a huge runner...I'm asthmatic and out of shape and lazy and did I mention I have asthma?... But I was determined to do this run and have fun while I was at it. I trained a little, just enough so that I would not die Ina pile of colored cornstarch. And I met my goal!!! I'll have to post more pics if this fun, colored mess this week. 

One year later....

 
Obviously its been a while since I have blogged. I just haven't felt like it honestly. I thought sharing my pain and growth in the moment would be therapeutic but in actuality when I was in the moment typing about it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I have come out on the other side and I think I am ready to talk about it and get back to this here blog. (that my sisters  have deserted as well, shame on them ;))
 
A year ago this week I was walking into a courthouse to finalize the ending of something I once held very dear. It was a day I will remember probably for the rest of my life. I felt like a failure. I was broken. and when I got there and saw that my suspicions where correct (he didn't bother to show up to our court date) I was brought even lower. I guess I expected to see some fight, you know to show me that maybe there was a slim chance in maybe-land that this isn't how it had to be. I think at the end of the day I wanted to be fought for with more than lip service. Because hearing you are the most important thing in the world when you are walking away really means nothing if it isn't backed up with something else.. But there I was all alone in court and I just wanted to get it over with so I could start my healing process.
 
This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Most of the rollercoaster was downward spirals and loopdy loops and hanging upside. I spend a lot of time at the bottom. There were days when I was pretty sure I was going to die there and that it was all my fault that I was there. I felt worthless. I hated myself and my life. I barely looked in the mirror because I didn't recognize myself. I stopped believe that good things could happen to me, for me, around me. (I am fully aware that this is dark, but this is where I was so I can only be honest) This last for about seven months. Now during this time there were some brief high moments. My family and God were definitely the cause of those. They didn't let me die, they nurtured me and cared for me and made sure that this depression and grief didn't consume me. And for that I will forever be grateful. Because I am pretty sure without them it would have. I knew that I was able to grieve and cry, get mad and sulk as long as I looked up and I didn't let it consume me.

I remember when it finally broke (I even wrote it down so that I could remember it forever and praise Him for it continually) and I was able to stand up straight without the weight of depression bearing me down. It was a Sunday night service on February the 24th (I told you it was dark for a long time). My pastor preached a sermon entitled "What happens when we praise" and I felt like he was talking straight to me. and I took his words and enacted it into my life. I praised! My life sucked but I praised. I wasn't sure I believed I deserved better but I praised. I had a broken heart that wasn't healing quick enough but I praised. I praised because through all the pain in my life I still believed that God is God and he can do all things. So even if I didn't see it I would praise Him for it and let Him know I WANTED it.

Then a week or so later on March 3rd we had a guest preacher who preached "Its our time" and while praying I heard "Its time to get out of the furnace". I was struck by the magnitude of this and knew it was time to start a new chapter and that God was with me in my furnace and He was going to walk me out and everything was going to be okay. I claimed those promises I heard that night for my life and since then I have been depression free and I have been able to look forward to the future with hope and expectancy. I believe that God has a plan for my life and that He can and will still use me to fulfill it.

This past year has definitely been the roughest time in my life and I would never wish it upon anyone. But I survived! I didn't die no matter how much life tried to get the best of me. I am not sure yet if I will ever get married again but I am open to the possibility if God opens that door ( 7 months ago this was a HARD NO). I recently went back to school to finish my degree and am the process of moving up at work. I feel like things are all coming together finally (Romans 8:28). I sent my dad a text yesterday and he replied " I am proud of you!! Its a new season" and I whole heartedly believe that.

I know this is a lengthy one ( that's what happens when I don't talk for six months or so!) but its been a long year so it only seems right for this post to be long. I don't have it all together but Im more together than I was yesterday and I'm okay with that. What's your year been like? Have you grown from where you were last summer? or are you further away from goals you set for yourself? Who says we have to wait until January to set and start new goals. Take some time to take stock. Life is short, days are shorter so get to it!

Twins 1st Birthday

I got a groupon for shutterfly do to my engagement book but then decided to use it for Izabele and Sophia's first birthday scrapbook. Here is a preview of what I ordered for them!! :)

Click here to view this photo book larger

Shutterfly photo books are the new way to preserve your memories. Create your own today.

Cash Cochran

I'm the nanny to a 9 month little boy! He is the cutest thing ever!! When I first started working he was 6 months old and couldn't sit up by himself, wasn't crawling, didn't have any teeth, and wouldn't hold his own bottle.

Now a couple months later he has two teeth and one more on the way, he is crawling EVERYWHERE, and I mean everywhere! He is just growing up so fast! lol Can't wait to till he starts walking and talking! ( I say that now but probably in a couple months I'll be wishing he was still a baby!) 

Slide time! :)

at the grocery store! 

He is always happy.

Proud to be an American.

Tuesday, I voted in the 2012 Presidential election. I am so grateful that we have been given this opportunity. There was once a time when I wouldn't have been able to vote...twice over. Once for being black, and again for being a women. I love my country and the progress that we have made. And while we still have miles and miles to go 'till we sleep, I wouldn't rather live anywhere else.

Congratulations to President Obama on his reelection. Regardless of any of my feelings towards his beliefs and policies, I pray that God gives him the wisdom to lead our nation. Being president is no small task. I can't believe to understand the pressure he is under. I pray his eyes are opened to truth and I pray for the salvation of him and his family.

Here's my patriotic outfit (Go Red, White, and Blue! lol):

Great quote

Can I say something to young ladies here? I'm trying to pick my words carefully here. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that Godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, not a lot of Godly men. And we're working our tails off for you to try to develop some into that. But don't settle, because it's better that you be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus." - Matt Chandler

Balloon Fiesta!!

And we are OFF!! :)

O how I love October in Albuquerque! The early morning skies are lit up by hot air balloons! :) O what a beautiful site it is! :)

This is my 4th Balloon Fiesta but my 3rd year crewing with the clutch crew! :) :)

Alan, my fiancé, got me going when we first started dating in 2010.  It tradition to take the whole week off and do nothing but ballooning stuff. They have fun actives during the week that you can do!

Here are a couple pictures:

me and my honey waiting for the GO!

Even after 3 years of flying I still get nervous going up! :)

Up up and AWAY!!! :) :) 

There is nothing like going up in a hot air balloon!!

Balloon almost up!! 

No one reminded me to blog yesterday! And since I blogged about the fiesta last week I don't know what to right about. I guess I'll just inform my lovely sisters about the solo I might be singing.It's a might because I was going to do it with Amy but she is leaving tomorrow but we'll see how confident I feel. Here's a preview. The vocals are a bit shaking but that's cuz I didn't warm up (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).